Ben Wa Balls…

We’ve all read 50 Shades of Grey. Don’t deny it.

 

Yes, the written English is awful.

Yes, it makes me want to work in a hardware store.

Yes, it made me buy a ridiculous number of accessories.

 

One of which was….. *drum roll* …… Ben Wa Balls.

(See what I did there?)

 

According to the Wiki page, the official definition is that they are “small, marble-sized balls, usually hollow and containing a small weight, that roll around and are used for sexual stimulation”.

 

LoveHoney have gone one step further and named their variety Oriental Ben Wa Jiggle Balls. Jiggle. Great word. Roll it around a little, jiiiiigle. Lovely.

 

Quite a number of the reviews mentioned wearing these whilst walking around, either in the house or out and about, rather than in the throes of passion therefore this is where I started.

In short, they do nothing for me. I could only feel them when I bent over and after about 10 minutes they had shifted down and started to peek out. Not particularly arousing.

 

Following that test (as this is totally scientific) I had them in whilst masturbating.

As before, I couldn’t really feel them. If I jumped up and down (again, not particularly arousing) I could feel the inner balls moving but not in a way that was going to make my night a screamer.

I did try to focus when I came, I promise, and at that point I could feel the balls. With each ripple of pleasure I could tell they were there but they didn’t make the sensations better, if anything, they were a little uncomfortable.

 

On a logistical/hygienic note, the indentations make the balls incredibly hard to clean thoroughly which, as we all know, is an absolute necessity for toys. I had to enlist the help of a spare (and now disposed of) toothbrush to get into the little gaps and even when using that the cleaning took some time.

 

Every person reacts differently to a sex toy and for some, I’m sure these balls are the bee’s knees (either from a sexual or toning point of view). For me, they don’t bring anything new, different or enhancing to my sex life and therefore do not deserve a place in my naughty draw.

 

Next!

 

xxx

Double dipping is neither big nor clever

Imagine the scene: you’re sat in a restaurant, a plate of spring rolls arrive with a lovely dish of scrumptious, dipping heaven.

Chopsticks ahoy!

Then, after the first bite, your dinner guest lowers their half-eaten, saliva riddled spring roll back towards the dipping dish.

It happens in slow motion; everything around you drifts out of focus and you hear the blood pounding in your ears. With the inevitable re-entry of the spring roll into the sauce, an angel softly weeps in the heavens as that sauce, once so delicious, is now tarnished with millions of flesh eating bacteria ^[1].

Except I’m not talking about Chinese food. I’m talking about anal.

Now, to be clear, I think anal sex is great. The bit that is considerably less than great is when an unprotected penis comes out of the bum hole and is put straight into either the mouth or vagina.

A few weeks ago, a girl I work with told me her friend had unprotected anal sex with a guy and during the throes of passion he pulled out and they continued having vanilla sex.

• Firstly. Condoms. Anal sex has a higher risk of transmitting STIs ^[2] so unless you’ve both been checked and cleared, stay safe
• Secondly. The bacteria contained in the anus can give you infections such as E. coli as well as and urinary tract infections
• Thirdly. Poo. In your vagina. That is wrong on every level

By all means play around in the chocolate department but make sure you clean things before they go anywhere else!

xxx

[1] Probably not flesh eating

[2] http://www.nhs.uk/chq/pages/3050.aspx

My review of The Fab Pore

The Fab Pore.

Produced by Soap & Glory and appaz….. “This deep cleansing facial treatment is a must-have for any girl who wants to see less of her large pores.”

As you can tell from my photos and the new packaging (if you click the link above), I’ve had mine for a while. I figured it was pointless reviewing something that you’re meant to use repeatedly after only a short while.

 

 

It costs £10 and, whilst it’s not a very large pot, I managed 17 applications – using an amount the size of a grape. Yes. I counted. Let’s move on.

[For those mathematically inclined, that works out at 59p per application, rounded to the nearest whole number]

 

It’s creamy, thick and tastes rank. I promise it was ingested by accident, but I figure all knowledge is good knowledge. It was easy to apply – making sure you rub in the little green balls – then took 15 minutes or so to dry before being washed off. It is advertised as “2-in-1 Facial Pore Purifying Mask & Peel” so it’s worth noting that nothing actually peels…. It’s a creamy mask that hardens and is then washed off.

The one thing that I hated was the smell. Some reviews online rave about how good it smells and I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion…. In my humble opinion it smells like toilet cleaner.

After I washed it off the first time my skin felt nice and smooth, reasonably tight but with no noticeable difference in how it looked or the size of those dastardly pores. Once the 17 applications were over, once a week, like a very good girl, I spent a long time examining my face.

If it has made a difference, it’s not one I can see. There has been no discernable difference in the size of my pores nor does my skin look more ‘polished’. For £10 you can’t expect to look 18 again (not that I’d want to look like my 18 year old self anyway) but for me this doesn’t do enough to make me keep using it.

Onto the next miracle in a jar…

xxx

Archery: let’s keep it high brow.

Eyebrows. I bloody love them!

You can indicate so much with even the smallest of movements, I could be intrigued, titillated, confused, aroused (#standard), angry, shocked or maybe I think you’re an idiot (also pretty #standard).

Quite why people therefore neglect their beautiful lines of fuzzy, expressive glory is beyond me. I saw this on Facebook yesterday and had a good old giggle….

http://dontpkethebear.com/21-girls-who-dont-know-what-eyebrows-are-supposed-to-look-like/

Up until about 6 months ago, I’ll be honest, I pretty much ignored my eyebrows. If I was having a Hollywood and I remembered, I’d ask for those naughty ‘brows to be whipped into shape then I’d crack on with life.

Then, the pencilling started, except I used an eyeliner. Please don’t yell. It worked reasonably well; allowing for a little colour and shaping whilst still being very easy to correct if it went wrong. Which was pretty frequent tbh.

The issue with using eyeliner is that it doesn’t last. If I rubbed an eyebrow it would smudge, massively. By the end of the day the eyebrows were back to normal but I looked ready to perform in a Minstrel show.

Awkward. And then some.

 

Bring on….. Archery, by Soap & Glory.

It has a crayon at one end and a stain at the other. I bought ‘Love is Blonde’ and so far we’re getting on well.

 

 

At first, the crayon doesn’t seem to be making any difference but the key here is not to press harder (you’ll just snap it off) but to be repetitive. Short, sharp, individual strokes will build up the colour and prevents you producing too harsh (and fake) a contour.

 

Then I switch to the other end which has a ‘precision-point’ stain tip. Key word here is ‘stain’. It really does last all day but this also means you need to be cautious at first; to make sure you don’t go overboard and look like a clown. Definitely did not happen to me. As with the crayon, the key is individual strokes – as if you’re painting on new hairs. If you get carried away, they end up looking like they’ve been painted on. Yuk.

I’ve read reviews online of the stain tip running out after a few weeks. So far I’ve used mine every day for 7 days and it’s holding up just fine.

For now, enjoy the before, after crayon and after stain photos! (from right to left)

xxx

Oh. My. Days.

So. My last blog was on 26^th November.

 
SHAME. ON. ME.

Literally, appals balls.

I now have a new pact with myself (who better, eh?) to post every week.

Bring it Britney.

xxx

 

p.s This doesn’t really count as a blog, later on today there will be a post on killer brows. Spoiler: they’re fucking awesome.

 

Invisible Knickers… Walk. Away.

A particularly hideous creation has recently been paraded on the internet and I feel my disgust needs to be stated for the record.

Bring on…. invisible knickers.

My main issue with these is that they aren’t actually invisible. You might not be able to see the ‘knickers’ when wearing a mesh panelled dress or perhaps something red, Valentino and split to the hip, but get naked and what are you left with?

You’re left with something that resembles the 1800’s answer to sanitary wear…. except with plastic…. and much more awful.

Admittedly (read: thank fuck) they are still on Kickstarter and have yet to reach the $10,000 goal needed to start production. I would be very grateful if everyone could start burning any money they find to ensure this product never reaches the general market.

Their tag line is also outstanding and deserves special mention:

“Absolutely invisible panties! Use them every day, be sexy and free, even when you’re having “special women’s” days!”

 Right then guys and girls, let’s say it together: Period…. No, don’t run away screaming, come back!

Let’s try again: I’m on my period, I’m due on my period, I’ve missed a period, I hate my period, periods suck. Period.

Alternatively, you could just use a tampon.

My absolute favourite part of the invisible knickers was this:

 

Apparently, odd plastic straps that will sweat and chafe with cheap white plastic adjusters and a sanitary towel attached underneath is sexy. Who knew?! Call me a granny but I’d rather have a pair of nudes any day. Or better yet, go commando.

xxx

The Inflatable Vibrating Butt Plug…

As the title suggests, this is my review of the Inflatable Vibrating Butt Plug.

‘What is it?’ I hear you ask, well… it’s a butt plug, which inflates, and vibrates. Obv.

I first tried this butt plug about 2 years ago, back in the day when anal exploration (the true final frontier) was a reasonably new concept for me.

At this point I need to create a warning for those that are just starting out with anal play – this toy will not be your friend!

Having something up your butt is kinky and naughty but it also feels so good. Whether it’s a little finger, a large plug or a nice string of beads, the sensations change everything about sex and masturbation, but the rules are there for a reason:

• Always use lube (this one by Maximus is particularly good)
• Start small and build up
• Never ignore pain

I would have said this toy should come third or fourth in your journey thought the glorious and diverse world of butt plugs. As a beginner it was particularly difficult to cope with the size, rigidity, inflatable-ness and vibratey-ness (totally real words) all in one go.

Someone once said you should try something three times before deciding you don’t like it, so with that spirit in mind I revisited the toy and BOY have things changed!

I still find it a little too rigid for my taste – I prefer a softer plug, but the vibrations…. Oh. Em. Gee.

When in its normal form, the vibrations extend right the way down the plug, when inflated they concentrate around the neck. Going from inflated to normal (at the flick of a very handy quick release button) is a sensation like no other.

The vibrations vary from very gentle to really strong, giving you the option to start slow and teasing or really go for it depending on your mood.

It does look a little intimidating, but if you can get beyond that, lube yourself up and you’ll have a rocking time!

xxx

Bad Blow Job Behaviour

Blow jobs, doing a Lewinski, giving a mouth hug, going down, giving head, sucking dick, lip locking the love muscle… I could go on but I think you get the crux of my subject matter.

I thought I would share a recent experience as I’m curious to find out if anyone else has encountered something similar.

We’re in bed together, kissing, touching; fairly standard. He’s pretty twitchy, almost to the point of mini spasms. It’s a little off-putting but I just exercise a reasonable amount of care so I don’t bite off one of his balls – a pretty substantial mood killer.

When I’m deep throating he puts his hands either side of my head and does what I can only describe as ‘fucking my mouth’… I had heard about guys being this rude before but until that day I had never encountered it myself.

He also insisted in thrusting to his own (frankly rubbish) rhythm. It put me off my stride, so then he thrusted more, so I couldn’t get back into my rhythm and the cycle continued. I ended up having to stop, then he would stop, then I could get back to it.

This random thrusting also led to the third issue: in a normal situation, I know where the dick is, I know where my teeth are and I know where my mouth is going. With this guy I had to constantly cap my teeth so I didn’t catch him during his random thrusts and spasms and I ended up having cuts on the underside of my top lip.

Sufficed to say, we have not seen each other since.

In this situation it was an easy option – don’t see him again. However if you wanted to try and continue a relationship with a guy that behaved like this (apart from needing a head CT) my question is this: how do you go about changing such behaviour?

xxx

p.s Since starting to talk to people about this I am amassing a staggering collection of oral sex stories, I shall collate and publish them at a later date so let me know yours! cocksandcupcakes@gmail.com

Play outside the box…

I have spent the last 4 glorious weeks abroad, sunning and drinking myself silly. Now, considerably heavier with a pickled liver and peeling skin, I am back to London and the demoralising yet beautiful clouds it has to offer.

The progress on the fuck buddy front has been pretty non-existent so I’ve given myself over to sampling a lovely variety of toys.

Once I find a toy I like, I’m faithful. I am every retailer’s dream – if you please me I will keep coming and coming… back to your shop that is.

The same applies in restaurants: I want to be adventurous, I want to try something new, I want to order that because I’ve no idea what half the ingredients are and yet, I don’t.

Why would I order that and risk not liking it when I can have this and know I’ll be satisfied at the end?

Sticking with what you know is a good theory; arguably Darwinian.

Playing it safe might save you from disappointment, but it might stop you getting something incredible. Cro-Magnon Man took a brave step out of the cave and look where humans are now, walking on the motherfucking moon and growing an ear on a person’s forehead!

Play with fire and you might get burnt, but equally you might just manage to roast a fluffy marshmallow.

This principle holds true with everything, from food, sex, fashion and even love.

So, to the crux of this post: I am going to set aside my faithful LoveHoney Rabbit, this one, in case you were curious, and sample some new and exotic pleasures.

First up, the Sqweel 2!

xxx

Olay Essentials BB Cream

A little while ago I reviewed the Soap & Glory Glow Job Daily Radiance Moisture Lotion which I concluded was very good, but some sort of SPF would have made it that much better.

Now for my thoughts on something else I bought at the same time: Olay Essentials BB Cream.

This has really good coverage and blends on very well. I normally do my face base about 20 minutes after my moisturiser which I think helps. Sometimes, if my skin is very dry it ‘sucks’ up the moisture in a product leaving me with a patchy result.

I’m really glad I picked the ‘light’ one as I find it a pretty scary shade when it squirts from the tube – blended on it looks absolutely fine but there is no way I’ll ever go near the ‘medium’ version.

For reference I’m blonde haired, blue eyed and rather than ever tanning I’ll go red then fade/peel and go back to ghoulish white.

 

What I’ve taken to doing for the past week or so is mixing even amounts of the Glow Job and BB Cream which I find lightens the coverage just enough to what I’m after whilst being the right shade and consistency.

It probably breaks all the traditional rules but it works for me…. and that’s pretty much the only rule I pay attention to.

xxx