Masque strips – the review

Further to my discovery of these strips which you can read about here, I’ve since received my order (chocolate and watermelon) and given them a go!

I know I said I’d order all four but at £9.99 each that wasn’t really possible…. blame my spur of the moment trip to Tom Ford!

The packets are nice and slim so could easily get through a letterbox if you’re not in.

Masque Strips

Inside there are three individually wrapped packets which you peel apart to reveal the strip.

Chocolate

Watermelon

So far, so good.

I’m not sure about spending £9.99 for a packet of three strips and, if one gives a steady stream of head, the cost could rack up fairly quickly.

 

Now, to the taste. I’m disappointed to report that the overarching taste with both flavours is that of nail varnish remover/hand sanitiser.

Imagine, if you will, swilling some alcohol hand gel around your mouth then getting a wave of flavour that I imagine Lidl’s own brand Kahlua imitation would taste like. I felt at one point (whilst trying not to throw up) there might be a hint of rum in there but I think that was a result of someone mixing “chocolate” with hand sanitiser.

Unfortunately, the watermelon was no better. It followed the same pattern as the chocolate – alcohol hand gel to start then (rather than kahlua) the taste then developed into something similar to tropical Hubba Bubba.

 

I have no doubt that using one of these strips masks the taste of seminal fluid. Either this is because of the “Natural taste masking agents” they use or perhaps the strips just destroy your taste buds.

 

To summarise, let me share a true story of my past: there was a time I gave a guy head and his cum tasted so awful that I threw up in his kitchen sink.

I would rather re-live that experience than go near a Masque strip again.

 

xxx

 

p.s I have two individually wrapped strips in both chocolate and watermelon if anyone wants to verify my findings…. Or is feeling masochistic.

Tasty blow jobs? Om nom nom!

Have you ever been going down on a guy and thought how awful his man sausage tasted?

Fear not, help is at hand…

A company called Masque have produced thin, dissolving gel strips designed to mask the flavour of seminal fluid and taste delicious at the same time.

The ingredients clock up the usual selection of dyes, emulsifiers, sugars and starches but one ingredient in all flavours is “Natural Taste-Masking Agents”. I emailed the company asking what this actually is and received this response:

“The natural taste-masking agents are actually part of our secret formula and a big part of the patents we have pending. However, I can tell you that we didn’t invent any new chemicals or agents for the product. Everything that’s included has been in food and pharmaceuticals for well over two decades. The way our researchers have described it is that you have almost certainly ingested everything in the strips within the past 72 hours or so.”

I do quite like to know what I’m actually putting in my mouth (saucy!) but until the patents are approved one does have to appreciate the need for secrecy.

The four flavours available are: strawberry, chocolate, watermelon and mango. Whilst all four are gluten free, none are kosher or vegan. If I had to guess I’d say this is because the gelatine in all the strips is a pork derivative… but once I hear back from the company I’ll update the post.

I’ve also ordered all four so will report back on taste and… erm… effectiveness shortly! Whilst you can only buy from their website for delivery to the USA, there is a company selling them for UK delivery on Amazon.

 

xxx

Bondage tape, oh la la!

One thing I’ve had in my arsenal of tricks for some time is bondage tape. I had to try a fair few types before I settled on something I really like (and would therefore recommend) but now I’ve found it I would never use anything else.

Introducing…… Supersex Bondage Tape by Tracey Cox.

Each roll is made from PVC and is 60ft long – you get two roles for just £8.99 which works out at only 7.5 pence per foot. If that’s not good value I don’t know what is!

The joy behind this tape is that it sticks to itself but not to you. I have zero idea how it works but it does. The tape glides over your skin (hairs and all) sort of like a plastic carrier bag. When you wrap the tape on itself however, it sticks with incredibly strength. If you want you can then peel it off itself and use it somewhere else, or on someone else [1].

I favour a fairly basic technique: around each limb, criss-cross between and then around the outside. I pride myself on having excellent lower body strength and when taped like this I cannot break free.

Feet

Wrists

To undo the tape you can unpeel it, but I always have a pair of scissors near the bed/sofa/dining table/stairs in case I want to get out in a hurry.

For the more serious of bondage aficionados this might seem like child’s play but for a simple bit of ‘tie and play’ you can’t really go wrong.

xxx

[1] I think unless you’re in a ménage à trois situation, be a big spender and use some fresh tape. Thinking about it, regardless of the situation for just 7.5 pence per foot you should use new tape for everyone.

Ben Wa Balls…

We’ve all read 50 Shades of Grey. Don’t deny it.

 

Yes, the written English is awful.

Yes, it makes me want to work in a hardware store.

Yes, it made me buy a ridiculous number of accessories.

 

One of which was….. *drum roll* …… Ben Wa Balls.

(See what I did there?)

 

According to the Wiki page, the official definition is that they are “small, marble-sized balls, usually hollow and containing a small weight, that roll around and are used for sexual stimulation”.

 

LoveHoney have gone one step further and named their variety Oriental Ben Wa Jiggle Balls. Jiggle. Great word. Roll it around a little, jiiiiigle. Lovely.

Ben Wa Balls

 

Quite a number of the reviews mentioned wearing these whilst walking around, either in the house or out and about, rather than in the throes of passion therefore this is where I started.

In short, they do nothing for me. I could only feel them when I bent over and after about 10 minutes they had shifted down and started to peek out. Not particularly arousing.

 

Following that test (as this is totally scientific) I had them in whilst masturbating.

As before, I couldn’t really feel them. If I jumped up and down (again, not particularly arousing) I could feel the inner balls moving but not in a way that was going to make my night a screamer.

I did try to focus when I came, I promise, and at that point I could feel the balls. With each ripple of pleasure I could tell they were there but they didn’t make the sensations better, if anything, they were a little uncomfortable.

 

On a logistical/hygienic note, the indentations make the balls incredibly hard to clean thoroughly which, as we all know, is an absolute necessity for toys. I had to enlist the help of a spare (and now disposed of) toothbrush to get into the little gaps and even when using that the cleaning took some time.

 

Every person reacts differently to a sex toy and for some, I’m sure these balls are the bee’s knees (either from a sexual or toning point of view). For me, they don’t bring anything new, different or enhancing to my sex life and therefore do not deserve a place in my naughty draw.

 

Next!

 

xxx

Double dipping is neither big nor clever

Imagine the scene: you’re sat in a restaurant, a plate of spring rolls arrive with a lovely dish of scrumptious, dipping heaven.

Chopsticks ahoy!

Then, after the first bite, your dinner guest lowers their half-eaten, saliva riddled spring roll back towards the dipping dish.

It happens in slow motion; everything around you drifts out of focus and you hear the blood pounding in your ears. With the inevitable re-entry of the spring roll into the sauce, an angel softly weeps in the heavens as that sauce, once so delicious, is now tarnished with millions of flesh eating bacteria [1].

Except I’m not talking about Chinese food. I’m talking about anal.

Now, to be clear, I think anal sex is great. The bit that is considerably less than great is when an unprotected penis comes out of the bum hole and is put straight into either the mouth or vagina.

A few weeks ago, a girl I work with told me her friend had unprotected anal sex with a guy and during the throes of passion he pulled out and they continued having vanilla sex.

  • Firstly. Condoms. Anal sex has a higher risk of transmitting STIs [2] so unless you’ve both been checked and cleared, stay safe
  • Secondly. The bacteria contained in the anus can give you infections such as E. coli as well as and urinary tract infections
  • Thirdly. Poo. In your vagina. That is wrong on every level

By all means play around in the chocolate department but make sure you clean things before they go anywhere else!

xxx

[1] Probably not flesh eating

[2] http://www.nhs.uk/chq/pages/3050.aspx

The Inflatable Vibrating Butt Plug…

As the title suggests, this is my review of the Inflatable Vibrating Butt Plug.

‘What is it?’ I hear you ask, well… it’s a butt plug, which inflates, and vibrates. Obv.

I first tried this butt plug about 2 years ago, back in the day when anal exploration (the true final frontier) was a reasonably new concept for me.

At this point I need to create a warning for those that are just starting out with anal play – this toy will not be your friend!

Having something up your butt is kinky and naughty but it also feels so good. Whether it’s a little finger, a large plug or a nice string of beads, the sensations change everything about sex and masturbation, but the rules are there for a reason:

  • Always use lube (this one by Maximus is particularly good)
  • Start small and build up
  • Never ignore pain

I would have said this toy should come third or fourth in your journey thought the glorious and diverse world of butt plugs. As a beginner it was particularly difficult to cope with the size, rigidity, inflatable-ness and vibratey-ness (totally real words) all in one go.

Someone once said you should try something three times before deciding you don’t like it, so with that spirit in mind I revisited the toy and BOY have things changed!

I still find it a little too rigid for my taste – I prefer a softer plug, but the vibrations…. Oh. Em. Gee.

When in its normal form, the vibrations extend right the way down the plug, when inflated they concentrate around the neck. Going from inflated to normal (at the flick of a very handy quick release button) is a sensation like no other.

The vibrations vary from very gentle to really strong, giving you the option to start slow and teasing or really go for it depending on your mood.

It does look a little intimidating, but if you can get beyond that, lube yourself up and you’ll have a rocking time!

xxx

Bad Blow Job Behaviour

Blow jobs, doing a Lewinski, giving a mouth hug, going down, giving head, sucking dick, lip locking the love muscle… I could go on but I think you get the crux of my subject matter.

I thought I would share a recent experience as I’m curious to find out if anyone else has encountered something similar.

We’re in bed together, kissing, touching; fairly standard. He’s pretty twitchy, almost to the point of mini spasms. It’s a little off-putting but I just exercise a reasonable amount of care so I don’t bite off one of his balls – a pretty substantial mood killer.

When I’m deep throating he puts his hands either side of my head and does what I can only describe as ‘fucking my mouth’… I had heard about guys being this rude before but until that day I had never encountered it myself.

He also insisted in thrusting to his own (frankly rubbish) rhythm. It put me off my stride, so then he thrusted more, so I couldn’t get back into my rhythm and the cycle continued. I ended up having to stop, then he would stop, then I could get back to it.

This random thrusting also led to the third issue: in a normal situation, I know where the dick is, I know where my teeth are and I know where my mouth is going. With this guy I had to constantly cap my teeth so I didn’t catch him during his random thrusts and spasms and I ended up having cuts on the underside of my top lip.

Sufficed to say, we have not seen each other since.

In this situation it was an easy option – don’t see him again. However if you wanted to try and continue a relationship with a guy that behaved like this (apart from needing a head CT) my question is this: how do you go about changing such behaviour?

xxx

p.s Since starting to talk to people about this I am amassing a staggering collection of oral sex stories, I shall collate and publish them at a later date so let me know yours! cocksandcupcakes@gmail.com

Play outside the box…

I have spent the last 4 glorious weeks abroad, sunning and drinking myself silly. Now, considerably heavier with a pickled liver and peeling skin, I am back to London and the demoralising yet beautiful clouds it has to offer.

The progress on the fuck buddy front has been pretty non-existent so I’ve given myself over to sampling a lovely variety of toys.

Once I find a toy I like, I’m faithful. I am every retailer’s dream – if you please me I will keep coming and coming… back to your shop that is.

The same applies in restaurants: I want to be adventurous, I want to try something new, I want to order that because I’ve no idea what half the ingredients are and yet, I don’t.

Why would I order that and risk not liking it when I can have this and know I’ll be satisfied at the end?

Sticking with what you know is a good theory; arguably Darwinian.

Playing it safe might save you from disappointment, but it might stop you getting something incredible. Cro-Magnon Man took a brave step out of the cave and look where humans are now, walking on the motherfucking moon and growing an ear on a person’s forehead!

Play with fire and you might get burnt, but equally you might just manage to roast a fluffy marshmallow.

This principle holds true with everything, from food, sex, fashion and even love.

So, to the crux of this post: I am going to set aside my faithful LoveHoney Rabbit, this one, in case you were curious, and sample some new and exotic pleasures.

First up, the Sqweel 2!

xxx

Fuck buddies. Can they work?

Ok people, long story short, I am without man.

The positive: No need to think about the ‘are we boyfriend/girlfriend?’ conversation.

The negative: Loss of man means loss of cock and I’m climbing the walls.

Disclosure: I am aware a man brings more than just a penis (and a willing, agile tongue – you know you love it) to a relationship but, being honest, it’s the bit I’m missing most right now.

So, to my new question…. Fuck buddies: can they really ever work?

The basic premise is simple:

  1. Find someone you’re comfortable with, I don’t think screamingly good sex can be had on a one night stand with a stranger, but that’s for another blog
  2. Establish neither of you want a relationship with the other person, or anyone else: fuck buddy + dating someone else = skanky
  3. Establish you both want to have sex with the other person, normally best discussed after several White Russians
  4. Start having sex and avoid romantic attachment

The first 3 steps are easy, the last one is where things get sticky – and not always in a good way.

All I want right now is some rough and ready, push me against a wall “take me right now” type action, surely that’s got to be easy to detach from intimacy?

Having given this due thought and consideration (read: a bottle of champagne and two bottles of wine with my BFF) I think the main reason it doesn’t work is because of Step 2. If one of you, even for a moment, considers a relationship with the other person something they might want: WALK AWAY. Sex is only going to confuse the feelings.

Once you’re both confident on Steps 1 – 3, there are a few rules that require attention to help with Step 4:

  • No watching a movie before sex
  • No ordering/going out for food after
  • No spooning/falling asleep holding each other
  • No staying the night
  • Neither expect, nor give, exclusivity of emotions or genitals

My main reason for the rules above is to give romantic attachment the smallest possible window to form. You arrive, have sex and leave – if all you want is sex and a fuck buddy then this should be easy. If you find yourself wanting to see a movie, get dinner, stay the night, go for brunch the next day or anything like this then WALK AWAY. You probably want a relationship, and this is not going to become one.

If I decide to go down the fuck buddy route, I’ll let you know how I get on. Alternatively if you’ve been down this road let me know how it went!

xxx