Tasty blow jobs? Om nom nom!

Have you ever been going down on a guy and thought how awful his man sausage tasted?

Fear not, help is at hand…

A company called Masque have produced thin, dissolving gel strips designed to mask the flavour of seminal fluid and taste delicious at the same time.

The ingredients clock up the usual selection of dyes, emulsifiers, sugars and starches but one ingredient in all flavours is “Natural Taste-Masking Agents”. I emailed the company asking what this actually is and received this response:

“The natural taste-masking agents are actually part of our secret formula and a big part of the patents we have pending. However, I can tell you that we didn’t invent any new chemicals or agents for the product. Everything that’s included has been in food and pharmaceuticals for well over two decades. The way our researchers have described it is that you have almost certainly ingested everything in the strips within the past 72 hours or so.”

I do quite like to know what I’m actually putting in my mouth (saucy!) but until the patents are approved one does have to appreciate the need for secrecy.

The four flavours available are: strawberry, chocolate, watermelon and mango. Whilst all four are gluten free, none are kosher or vegan. If I had to guess I’d say this is because the gelatine in all the strips is a pork derivative… but once I hear back from the company I’ll update the post.

I’ve also ordered all four so will report back on taste and… erm… effectiveness shortly! Whilst you can only buy from their website for delivery to the USA, there is a company selling them for UK delivery on Amazon.

 

xxx

Anal Beads

The subject of anal is, admittedly, not scholarly dinner conversation but I believe it to be a great topic nonetheless.

I’ll happily be the first to say: I quite like something in my butt.

Sometimes, I think people are a little ashamed to say it, just imagine if there was a support group… At your first time attending AA (Anal Aficionados, obviously), someone stands up and says “Hi everyone, my name’s Jane and I love a cock in my arse”. The group then applauds and a beautiful evening is had by all.

Butt (aren’t I witty?) back to the matter in hand.

Anal beads.

There is an astonishing selection on the market at the moment and one I have been trialling recently is the LoveHoney Beginners Anal Beads.

Anal Beads

For a beginner string they’re longer than I expected with a full 11 inches of insertable length. The beads themselves are graduated from 3/8ths of an inch to 1 inch. Given I think that’s quite hard to get a sense of, I’ve popped a 50p next to the smallest and largest beads.

Anal Bead Sizing

They are made from skin safe jelly rubber and are waterproof too. As I’d expect, there is no latex or nasty phthalates. If you’re wondering why we don’t want phthalates near our nether regions, go check out this post by She Bop.

There are many things you can do with a string of anal beads however one of the most written about is inserting the string then pulling it out at the moment of orgasm. Naturally the use of lubricant and never double dipping should go without saying but if you need reminding go check out this previous post.

All I’ll say (as you might be eating right now) is that if you’re going to be inserting that much into your arse, dear GOD make sure you douche thoroughly first. Luckily I was using them solo when I realised this. Thank. Fuck. The shape of the beads is (unfortunately) particularly conducive to pulling out any little spec of fecal matter that might be around. Not exactly arousing. Unless you’re into that sort of thing…

A normal douche (like this one) is fine for basic play but in truth doesn’t reach that far up so for the more thorough among you, there are kits more like an enema than a douche – I’ve not tried this one but you get the idea!

I think for me the fear or the string being pulled out with any… additions negates any pleasure gained during their use. Everyone is different but I like my anal toys short and thick!

xxx

Bondage tape, oh la la!

One thing I’ve had in my arsenal of tricks for some time is bondage tape. I had to try a fair few types before I settled on something I really like (and would therefore recommend) but now I’ve found it I would never use anything else.

Introducing…… Supersex Bondage Tape by Tracey Cox.

Each roll is made from PVC and is 60ft long – you get two roles for just £8.99 which works out at only 7.5 pence per foot. If that’s not good value I don’t know what is!

The joy behind this tape is that it sticks to itself but not to you. I have zero idea how it works but it does. The tape glides over your skin (hairs and all) sort of like a plastic carrier bag. When you wrap the tape on itself however, it sticks with incredibly strength. If you want you can then peel it off itself and use it somewhere else, or on someone else [1].

I favour a fairly basic technique: around each limb, criss-cross between and then around the outside. I pride myself on having excellent lower body strength and when taped like this I cannot break free.

Feet

Wrists

To undo the tape you can unpeel it, but I always have a pair of scissors near the bed/sofa/dining table/stairs in case I want to get out in a hurry.

For the more serious of bondage aficionados this might seem like child’s play but for a simple bit of ‘tie and play’ you can’t really go wrong.

xxx

[1] I think unless you’re in a ménage à trois situation, be a big spender and use some fresh tape. Thinking about it, regardless of the situation for just 7.5 pence per foot you should use new tape for everyone.

My thoughts on reverse hair washing

I’m not sure if I’m behind the trend (more than likely) or if this phase is only just surfacing on a mainstream level: reverse hair washing.

Condition –> Shampoo –> Rinse

The theory goes that you get the nourishment from the conditioner but by using the shampoo second any residue is removed – leaving you with light and glossy locks.

Yesterday and today I reversed my shower routine. All in all the process didn’t take longer than my standard 12 minute shower, I just had to concentrate on doing it in the new order.

Styling process was the same too; comb through wet hair, towel dry, add Argan Oil from the nape of my neck to the ends, blow dry with a big barrel brush.

By the end of the first day, I wasn’t convinced. Halfway through the afternoon it looked limp and lifeless, so much so I stuck it in a ponytail and forgot about it.

I thought I might have been a little timid with the shampoo (not wanting to create a massive frizz) so this morning I thought ‘to hell with it’ and was far more vigorous. The result? Much better!

Getting a comb through it when wet was just as easy as always and whilst I do have more fly aways at the top by my parting, the ends (from ear lobe down) have more volume whilst still being smooth and sleek.

At the time of writing, no one has commented on my beautiful hair that shines like a million strands of spun golden silk, but I’m sure they will.

As for reverse hair washing, I think this is actually a trend I’ll stick with for a while.

xxx

Ben Wa Balls…

We’ve all read 50 Shades of Grey. Don’t deny it.

 

Yes, the written English is awful.

Yes, it makes me want to work in a hardware store.

Yes, it made me buy a ridiculous number of accessories.

 

One of which was….. *drum roll* …… Ben Wa Balls.

(See what I did there?)

 

According to the Wiki page, the official definition is that they are “small, marble-sized balls, usually hollow and containing a small weight, that roll around and are used for sexual stimulation”.

 

LoveHoney have gone one step further and named their variety Oriental Ben Wa Jiggle Balls. Jiggle. Great word. Roll it around a little, jiiiiigle. Lovely.

Ben Wa Balls

 

Quite a number of the reviews mentioned wearing these whilst walking around, either in the house or out and about, rather than in the throes of passion therefore this is where I started.

In short, they do nothing for me. I could only feel them when I bent over and after about 10 minutes they had shifted down and started to peek out. Not particularly arousing.

 

Following that test (as this is totally scientific) I had them in whilst masturbating.

As before, I couldn’t really feel them. If I jumped up and down (again, not particularly arousing) I could feel the inner balls moving but not in a way that was going to make my night a screamer.

I did try to focus when I came, I promise, and at that point I could feel the balls. With each ripple of pleasure I could tell they were there but they didn’t make the sensations better, if anything, they were a little uncomfortable.

 

On a logistical/hygienic note, the indentations make the balls incredibly hard to clean thoroughly which, as we all know, is an absolute necessity for toys. I had to enlist the help of a spare (and now disposed of) toothbrush to get into the little gaps and even when using that the cleaning took some time.

 

Every person reacts differently to a sex toy and for some, I’m sure these balls are the bee’s knees (either from a sexual or toning point of view). For me, they don’t bring anything new, different or enhancing to my sex life and therefore do not deserve a place in my naughty draw.

 

Next!

 

xxx

Double dipping is neither big nor clever

Imagine the scene: you’re sat in a restaurant, a plate of spring rolls arrive with a lovely dish of scrumptious, dipping heaven.

Chopsticks ahoy!

Then, after the first bite, your dinner guest lowers their half-eaten, saliva riddled spring roll back towards the dipping dish.

It happens in slow motion; everything around you drifts out of focus and you hear the blood pounding in your ears. With the inevitable re-entry of the spring roll into the sauce, an angel softly weeps in the heavens as that sauce, once so delicious, is now tarnished with millions of flesh eating bacteria [1].

Except I’m not talking about Chinese food. I’m talking about anal.

Now, to be clear, I think anal sex is great. The bit that is considerably less than great is when an unprotected penis comes out of the bum hole and is put straight into either the mouth or vagina.

A few weeks ago, a girl I work with told me her friend had unprotected anal sex with a guy and during the throes of passion he pulled out and they continued having vanilla sex.

  • Firstly. Condoms. Anal sex has a higher risk of transmitting STIs [2] so unless you’ve both been checked and cleared, stay safe
  • Secondly. The bacteria contained in the anus can give you infections such as E. coli as well as and urinary tract infections
  • Thirdly. Poo. In your vagina. That is wrong on every level

By all means play around in the chocolate department but make sure you clean things before they go anywhere else!

xxx

[1] Probably not flesh eating

[2] http://www.nhs.uk/chq/pages/3050.aspx