Wedding dresses… my obsession

Having recently discovered Tumblr (I know I’m a million years late, please let’s move on) I have followed loads of blogs, every single one of them dedicated to wedding dresses.

I’m not engaged, I don’t even have a boyfriend, hence the earlier posts on fuck buddies, but I love looking at wedding dresses.

To be clear, my love is not for shitty, cheap, meringue style blobs with plastic beads, random pieces of chiffon and unflattering ruching that makes girls on ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ cry with joy.

My love is for a dress so special, it could bring a wedding tear from even the most unbelieving of women…. name that film!

Dresses like these:

 Wedding Dresses

Absolutely all credit for the pictures goes to Rose Town, whose magnificent board you can find here.

A girl in my office is getting married next year and hasn’t thought about dresses, which prompted the search and subsequent discovery of Tumblr. A chap then commented saying any woman who thought about her wedding before she was engaged is a desperate soon-to-be cat lady that any sane man would avoid like the plague.

#Douche

Little girls play at ‘wedding’ as soon as they’re old enough to understand the concept, I know I did – complete with pillow case veil and teddy bears as guests.

Just because I’m older, suddenly I’m desperate?

Well, men who think like that can go and boil their heads. I love looking at wedding dresses, flowers and table decorations. It’s not because I’ve started planning to the nth degree, but because I love beauty. I love pretty things and imagination; I love flowers, diamonds, cakes and beautiful women. All of these are found in abundance at weddings. It is why I shall continue to look, and never be embarrassed of the fact that I do.

xxx

‘Glow Job’ Daily Radiance Moisture Lotion

I have a problem: I need something essential, I go to Boots, things somehow end up in my hand, then in my bag, then on my make up shelf, then on my face.

Whilst I’m working out how to control this, below are my thoughts on one of the latest mystery items…..

Soap & Glory Glow Job Daily Radiance Moisture Lotion.

S&G and Olay*yes, there is something else in the picture, but I haven’t used that yet, so no opinion shall be proffered*

As an aside, I have always loved the S&G names. My lip plumper is called ‘Sexy Motherpucker’, my illuminator is called ‘Hocus Focus’ and now I have a ‘Glow Job’.

My standard foundation is Chanel Vitalumière Aqua, and it is wonderful – by far the best foundation I’ve ever found. Lately though, I’ve been hankering after something a little lighter to ‘skim on and go’.

S&G 1

This is pretty cool – the cream contains little beads of bronzer which actually burst when it’s rubbed in.

S&G 2It was pretty unnerving this morning; to see little streaks of brown across my face, but after a little work it does blend in nicely.

S&G 3

I’ve had a few breakouts recently (thanks a bunch, No. 7 Airbrush Away Primer), so I touched these up and added a smidge of powder. By lunchtime it still looked fresh and glowing, but not shiny. I re-powdered a little before I left work but it wouldn’t have been a disaster if I hadn’t.

All in all it’s great and I will use it again but my issue is that it has no SPF. The Chanel foundation did, obviously daaahling, and even more of the cheaper foundation/tinted moisturisers are including it as standard.

Also, there are reviews online saying people are rubbing it in their hands to burst the beads and by the time they get to their face the moisuriser has gone. Just run into the face directly and blend, looks scary but not difficult.

If they could only include SPF, I’d make sure a ‘Glow Job’ was essential each and every day…

xxx

Liquid Lapdance… yes. Really.

Strip clubs, love them or hate them I don’t think they’re going anywhere any time soon. Now, there is something new for the, ahem, *gentlemen* that frequent these places to have an even better time!

Liquid lapdance

This is, in my little opinion, one of the sleaziest things to be invented for men in quite some time…

Put simply, they’re boxers with lube in them to make a lapdance feel better – we all know a good bit of lube makes things feel gooood so what’s the sleazy part? Their marketing…

“She dances on him for what seems like hours…  He’s been at the edge of orgasm for the last few songs…  He grabs her hips and thrusts upward a few times… The orgasm is long and intense… After six or seven intense spasms, she’s drained every drop of cum from his cock… He doesn’t worry about a cum stain or wet spot in his pants… He doesn’t worry about ANYTHING.  He kept it fun and safe and legal.  Even if his wife finds out, it’s not that big a deal.”

One of their product testimonials actually went like this…. “I wouldn’t say it felt like sex.  More like a blow job, a hand job, whacking off, anal sex, and titty-fucking all in one.”

Clearly, some men are easily pleased.

There is also a ‘stealth mode’ to hide them from a wife or girlfriend, disguising the ‘product’ as “European Penis Bath”… I could NOT make this shit up! The ‘penis bath’ is described as a “rejuvenating scrub to leave your penis more soft, more beautiful for her”

Priced at $19.95 for one (thankfully) disposable pair, they’re not exactly cheap, especially once you price up the cost of entry, drinks and the dance itself… One does have to wonder if it’s actually worth it…

The ‘Bro Bible’ have done a handy collation of product marketing and testimonials which you can find, if you really want to, here.

A word of warning, when they say the video is NSFW, they REALLY mean it.

xxx

Fuck buddies. Can they work?

Ok people, long story short, I am without man.

The positive: No need to think about the ‘are we boyfriend/girlfriend?’ conversation.

The negative: Loss of man means loss of cock and I’m climbing the walls.

Disclosure: I am aware a man brings more than just a penis (and a willing, agile tongue – you know you love it) to a relationship but, being honest, it’s the bit I’m missing most right now.

So, to my new question…. Fuck buddies: can they really ever work?

The basic premise is simple:

  1. Find someone you’re comfortable with, I don’t think screamingly good sex can be had on a one night stand with a stranger, but that’s for another blog
  2. Establish neither of you want a relationship with the other person, or anyone else: fuck buddy + dating someone else = skanky
  3. Establish you both want to have sex with the other person, normally best discussed after several White Russians
  4. Start having sex and avoid romantic attachment

The first 3 steps are easy, the last one is where things get sticky – and not always in a good way.

All I want right now is some rough and ready, push me against a wall “take me right now” type action, surely that’s got to be easy to detach from intimacy?

Having given this due thought and consideration (read: a bottle of champagne and two bottles of wine with my BFF) I think the main reason it doesn’t work is because of Step 2. If one of you, even for a moment, considers a relationship with the other person something they might want: WALK AWAY. Sex is only going to confuse the feelings.

Once you’re both confident on Steps 1 – 3, there are a few rules that require attention to help with Step 4:

  • No watching a movie before sex
  • No ordering/going out for food after
  • No spooning/falling asleep holding each other
  • No staying the night
  • Neither expect, nor give, exclusivity of emotions or genitals

My main reason for the rules above is to give romantic attachment the smallest possible window to form. You arrive, have sex and leave – if all you want is sex and a fuck buddy then this should be easy. If you find yourself wanting to see a movie, get dinner, stay the night, go for brunch the next day or anything like this then WALK AWAY. You probably want a relationship, and this is not going to become one.

If I decide to go down the fuck buddy route, I’ll let you know how I get on. Alternatively if you’ve been down this road let me know how it went!

xxx

Flowers and gems….

Title says it all really; I used flower transfers then added gems. My god what incredible value I’m adding to your lives!

 Flowers and gems

One thing I would note is that I am incredibly anal (steady, that’s for a different blog) about symmetry. With the paw prints for example, they went from bottom right on my right hand and bottom left on my left hand – symmetrical.

The flowers, however, are too big to fit on one nail as I think it’s meant to be a random swirling selection of roses and leaves that cascade from one nail to the other. You place them in a multitude of different positions on each nail, sometimes with two transfers on one nail, to create a plentiful bouquet of roses spread across 10 gorgeous nails.

Bullshit.

I. Like. Symmetry.

Once I was done, I had a compelling urge to remove it immediately but decided that was a waste. Especially when I could rant about it to you! I then proceeded to add gemstones and force myself to keep it on long enough to take a picture.

Then I removed it with reckless abandon.

For someone who likes a veritable smorgasbord of flowing patterns and styles this might work, for me, it was hell.

xxx

Nail transfers

Following a slightly mad shopping spree on Amazon, nail transfers are my new best friend. My selection was from here…..

Also in this spree I bought two sets of tweezers – one for transfers, one for gemstones – yes, they’re COMPLETELY different.

I actually expected the transfers I bought to be entire nail wraps as opposed to small designs but I don’t mind, because they’re amazing!

Paint a base coat, cut out the transfer, dip in water (20 seconds… ish), slide onto the nail and let it dry then slather on some top coat.

Also – the issue I was having with top coat making my nail art run doesn’t apply for transfers. Win.

Swirls

 

These were a little fiddly as the pattern had to be cut to the right length for each nail but it didn’t take too much time, and does look pretty cool.

I have my nails in an oval shape at the tip which meant there was a little overhang of transfer on each corner. You can press it up on the underside of the nail but I chose to trim as I found it easier and neater.

Boom.

xxx